My boyfriend left today. Like, he went back home. I really miss him. If I think about it too hard, I will cry. Is that okay?

He remembered my birthday. Year and everything. I dated my ex boyfriend for over a year and he told me I was weird for thinking he should know my birthday. He told me “I only remember my Mother’s birthday. You’re not that important.” It was a weird thing to say to such a small request: Please know my birthday.

My boyfriend wants the best for us both. And he tries very hard. He’s busy and stressed and he still tries very hard and prioritizes us. He is patient with me. Yesterday, when I got home from work, we went to the grocery to get ingredients for taco salad. Both of us were on edge for some reason. I got very annoyed by this in the kitchen while cooking. He did too. Later, while we ate, he asked me to trust him, and that even though he is flawed, he is very experienced. He said this respectfully and carefully. But my face still turned sour, like the lemon on my plate. He told me I was very smart and intuitive. My face turned sweet. He wants me to be the best I can be. I need to appreciate him more. I love him.

I wish my family would all move to California. I know that sounds crazy. Would they, even? I know my brother wouldn’t. None of them would, actually. I wish we could relocate somewhere as a family. I wish I could be with my family for the rest of my life. I miss them. I want to be a kid again. I want to sit at our kitchen table and eat taco salad with them. I want to be on edge at the grocery store with them.

I’m on page 72 of The Invention of Morel. The book my boyfriend got me that he also got for himself. He gave it to me at the burger place the last time he visited LA. (This time doesn’t count because he left this morning) — it’s really great. I love his inscription in the front of it.

I hope that one day, he and I live together. I hope we have space to do our own things, he in his office and I in mine. I would go to his office to kiss him and hug him and talk with him. And then we would go our separate ways across the hallway. I would cook us dinner and we would talk about anything and everything. And then we would have sex at night, and fall asleep naked together. In the morning I would cook us breakfast and make coffee or tea and we would sit together and talk about what we need to do during the day. Most days we write in our own little worlds. Occasionally we go on picnics or walks together. He accompanies me to the grocery where he insists on carrying the basket. I no longer try to fight it and usually I am not on edge. He kisses me by the lemons. I am a paid artist so I can afford all of the healthiest groceries. Our kids will only eat organic stuff. He enjoys anything I cook and he never complains.